I was mountain-climbing in the arid deserts of Utah when I heard the faint wuff-wuff wuff-ing of a chopper in the distance, the sound growing in volume as it approached at immense speed. Summiting the peak, I wiped the orange sand from my wrap-around sunglasses and took a seat on the stone, watching with calm interest as the helicopter appeared through the dusty haze, climbing higher and higher until it hovered, mere metres away from me. The side door of the helicopter slid open and a man holding some kind of harpoon appeared. He was dressed in military fatigues and flight goggles, his jumpsuit adorned with the unmistakable symbol of my employers: the Bulgarian flag.

The man aimed and fired his harpoon, and a large ballista-style arrow struck the ground next to me, lodging itself into the prehistoric rock. The helicopter pulled away, and I turned to investigate the arrow. There was a large, flat, square package attached to the tail - a cardboard casing with a design I didn’t recognise printed upon it. Words and numbers and the image of a woman with half a face. Intrigued and aroused, I found an opening in the package, and slid out the contents: one large, black, vinyl disc. Luckily, I am incredibly well prepared, and have a moustache, so I removed the record player that I take everywhere I go from my backpack and set it up on the flat of the sandstone. My hands shaking, I set the record in place and lowered the needle.

“Good morning, millennial. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, involves writing a review of the Pitchfork 7.7-rated album 1989 by Taylor Swift. This is an incredibly dangerous task and, as usual, if you are caught or killed in the completion of your mission, the nation of Bulgaria will disavow all knowledge of your actions. The album will begin in five seconds.”

Welcome To New York
New York is one of the few places on earth for which the magic of going there still persists in the popular imagination many, many years after the propaganda of the idea was first instilled. All the biggest artists of the past eighty years have a song about New York: Sinatra, The Strokes, LCD Soundsystem, Jay-Z and Alicia Keys, Billy Joel, NAS, The Wombats. All of these artists, as well as thousands more who I care less about, are intimately familiar with the emotions and the imagery that can be immediately conjured with a simple mention of the city that never sleeps. It’s a bit of a cheat code, in a way, like how if you include a gun in your film it’s immediately twenty-five percent better than any film without a gun. But if a formula works, it works, and who am I to suggest Taylor doesn’t take a shortcut every now and then.
Besides, the song is very good. Anyone who has read any of these reviews before will know that I am a sucker for a designated Album Opener, and that’s exactly what Welcome To New York is. It’s cheesy in all the ways you want it to be, it has a fun hook that works almost immediately, and it repeats the world “welcome” over and over again, which makes me feel welcome. Now, onto the next track, titled Piss Yourself Matt.

Blank Space
I’m not really sure on what rules, if any, that I laid out when I decided to start doing these reviews, but I feel like I should make clear that I do, actually, obviously, already know this song. So, this isn’t a first time listen review like the others on the album, but whatever.

Firstly, yes Taylor Swift’s dating history is such a hot topic, and yes this song is objectively and very openly about said dating history, so I will briefly comment on that: if you, as a man, listen to this song, one of the most listened to pop songs of the past decade, and decide after finishing it that, yes, you would like to date Taylor Swift, you deserve everything that happens to you and more. You deserve the fun, and the magic, but you also deserve the heartbreak, and the paparazzi harassment, and the cyberbullying of one billion teenage terrorists with smashed iPhones. DM’ing Taylor Swift after hearing this song is like applying to be a journalist in Saudi Arabia. Sure, it may reap great rewards, but buddy, you know the risks going in. If your bones end up being melted down for use as cement during the construction of NEOM, that’s on you.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard another song use a similar background sample to Blank Space. Appropriately, the beat feels very hollow, and echoey, and it’s honestly a really cool effect that I’m surprised hasn’t been aped since this albums release. As the song builds, it really reels you in, and I have very blurry memories of clubs and bars and house parties, with dozens and hundreds of people, girls and boys, all screaming:

“AND YOU. LOVE. THE GAME!”

It's good, it’s fun. It unfortunately also has lyrics which spawned some of the worst Instagram captions I’ve ever seen but that’s not necessarily Taylor’s fault. Good song.

Style
This is a bit Katy Perry, and I don’t mean that as a compliment. Kinda flat compared to Blank Space. Definitely not a terrible song but it’s not one I’d come back to in a hurry, especially because I find the premise of it quite cringe. I think there’s something quite cool about dressing in that timeless “James Dean” style, and I think that if someone is already hot enough, it’s undeniably a fantastic look that can be pulled out at any time. However, I think when you address it and start talking about what you’re going for, it quickly becomes a bit embarrassing, like when you catch someone purposely doing that Alex Turner twang while singing that doesn’t carry over into their normal speech. Like, come off it mate.

I really liked the opening to this song because it reminded me of Sega games I played when I was very small, a bit of vaporwave 8-bit nostalgia, but the novelty of that wore off quickly. I will give credit where it’s due though and admit that Taylor has done a great job of perfecting lyrics that are punctuated in such a way that they’re perfect for vocally unskilled teenagers to scream back at her in a stadium.

“You got that James – Dean – day – dream – look in your eye.”

I’ve encountered nursery rhymes more challenging.

Out Of The Woods
I really like this one, I think. Or it reminds me of things that I like, which amounts to the same thing in my opinion. At times, it has echoes of classic Disney, like it’s music that cartoon animals would compose and perform spontaneously on a huge desert plain, together. You would probably cry watching the monkeys hit their drums :) I think this comparison is probably down to the fact that parts of the song, mainly the chorus, have traces of semi-tribal music. But not actual tribal music, just what a Western child’s brain would understand tribal music to sound like due to their consumption of Disney films. I’m not sure, and I know I’m not putting across the strongest argument here, but yeah, it’s basically a Lion King-ass song, and that’s a compliment. Especially for the kind of people who love Taylor Swift. D.A. rise up!

All You Had To Do Was Stay
As usual, I have to imagine that everyone else feels exactly the same as me about this song, and by that, I mean that the only thing people enjoy in it is the way the backing vocals sing “stay” really high pitched, over and over. Something about it is really emotive and incredibly effective, and I would one hundred percent listen to this song again. This also vaguely reminds me of Avril Lavigne’s Complicated, both in the literal way it sounds and also the theme of the lyrics. Taylor is exasperated with her man, because all he had to do was “stay”, whilst Avril is frustrated with her man because “why’d he have to go and make things so complicated?” The instructions are simple guys - follow them, lest a hit song be written.

As an aside, do you think that being the dickhead boyfriend in a Taylor Swift/Avril Lavigne/Olivia Rodrigo music video does positive or negative things for your dating life? Do girls think it’s cool, or do they see you without realising where they know you from and just feel a great, unimaginable hatred that they can’t explain? I reckon these men are disproportionately the victims of what I like to call Reverse Catcalling, where a woman spits in your face and calls you a prick for being incredibly handsome outside of a Subway Sandwich Shop.

Shake It Off
Oh it’s this album. I see.
I turned eighteen the year this album came out and in that year you could not move or breathe without hearing this song. It was on every radio station, it played in every bar, and every club night threw it in right at the end of the night just to keep spirits up before closing.
I fucking loved it. It was a banger – as full of energy as I was at eighteen. Three times a week, every week, I’d go out on the dancefloor and I did the dance. Well, not the dance, but I did a dance. A dance that went to this song pretty well. And I lip-synced the little breakdown bit as well. It was a simpler time, a happier time. I didn’t know what cringe was, the towers had yet to fall, George Michael was still alive. I kissed at least two (2) girls in Rock City because they started ruffling my, then, very long hair during the “to the fella over there with the hella good hair” bit. So, I can’t really, sincerely, hold any true dislike for this song.
I LOVE TSWIFT!

That being said.

Sometime in the early 20teens, there was a significant cultural shift away from ODMP. For those of you who are new to music theory, ODMP stands for Organised Dance Moves Pop. ODMP is a genre of music that can most reliably be found at social functions in which people are likely to be less naturally inclined to dance, despite there being an expectation on them to do so, such as weddings, school discos, and children’s birthday parties. For years, ODMP tracks such as Cha Cha Slide Part 2 (RIP) and the Macarena were necessary evils in these situations – songs that no one liked, but that everyone knew. The songs came with a pre-defined dance that was complex enough that you felt like you were actually dancing, whilst being simple enough that you could easily be outshone by a literal four-year-old. These songs did the heavy lifting for millions of DJs called Tony, working to get bodies on the dancefloor before they branched out into slightly riskier tracks like It Wasn’t Me, and Mambo No 5.
But then, overnight, this changed. A new generation of pop ushered in new tactics, as teenagers stopped awkwardly sliding their feet to the left, and instead started running, screaming and flailing their hands as they heard the opening drums of Shake It Off. And again, everyone knew it, but this time, a lot of people liked it. Songs like Uptown Funk, Happy, Mr Brightside. It was a new era.

Unfortunately though, the logical result of this music being played at every possible function as a crowbar for happiness is that almost any original enjoyment I might have gotten out of the songs has been crushed under the weight of a thousand listens. And so now, tonight, as I listen to Shake It Off alone, through headphones, all I can think about is how fucking stupid that breakdown bit is. I don’t want to get down to this sick beat anymore Taylor. I want to get off of Mr Bones’ Wild Ride.

I Wish You Would
“We’re a crooked love, in a straight line down”
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
This one sucks really bad I’m sorry please don’t SWAT me.

Bad Blood
This song has its spiritual roots in t.A.T.u.’s All The Things She Said, which is unironically one of the best compliments I think anyone on earth could possibly bestow on a song by Taylor Swift. I started laughing halfway through because I realised that this was the first time, halfway through the album, that I had even had a second thought about Taylor’s vocals. They’re really good in this! She stretches herself a bit compared to the rest of the album so far, and yeah, she is very gifted.

A fun pop song that is catchy enough to outweigh the inherent cringe of the chorus. No notes.

Wildest Dreams
This is much closer to my idea of what Taylor Swift’s music is than the rest of this album. Very girly, slower, softer. Very easy to imagine a million sixteen-year-olds crying in their rooms, listening to this and writing in their diaries about how they will get him, how they’ll fall in love organically, how he will forget that BITCH Katie.

I am absolutely not the target audience for this song so it doesn’t feel fair to say it’s bad, because for those whom it’s aimed at I’m sure it hits a very specific spot, and I’m sure there’s at least one girl in her mid-twenties reading this now and remembering a scenario very similar to what I was describing above, and they will feel incredible nostalgia. This is for them.

But yeah it’s boring as fuck. Lana Del OK.

How You Get The Girl
More of the same really. Very generic pop, nothing ground-breaking. I respect her knowing this and slotting these songs in towards the end of the album though. Where I can’t allocate points for skill, I will allocate them for savviness. If I was ever going to listen to this album again, I’d probably turn it off a couple songs before this one, but I accepted this mission so I will finish it, regardless of how shit and phoned-in the next couple of entries are.

Wait, I’m just realising that I’m approaching this review the exact same way Taylor approached this album.

Well, well, well. Miss Swift, not so different, you and I.

This Love
I guess it makes sense that if she respects the laws of starting an album with a real Opener, Taylor would also respect traditions of closing an album with the absolute Worst, Most Boring, Slowest Dogshit.

You know, sometimes things just catch you at the wrong angle. A photo of a beautiful moment makes you look ugly, a dog jumping into your arms knocks out one of your teeth, you hear a song when you’re not in the right mindset and it sounds like utter, utter shite.

This is the only song on the album that I’ve listened to twice tonight, and it’s because I really didn’t want to be uncharitable to something that might have simply caught me at the wrong angle. So after finishing the album I’ve come back around to This Love for a second listen and, do you know what? It’s still shite.

I Know Places
Before I even press play on this song, I need to comment on the title. What a title for a track. That’s right up my alley that is. Vague, mysterious, almost conversational. Big fan of that in comparison to other tracks on the album. I hope the song is just as good - pressing play.
I’m going to embarrass myself here. This reminds me of Save Rock and Roll era Fall Out Boy. Anthemic, big choruses, lots of holding long notes. I don’t hate it! Doesn’t hit the highs of earlier in the album but its definitely a strong upward tick after the last few songs.
Not as good as the title.

Clean
I’m torn on this one, because on one hand, I feel like I have absolutely no business listening to this song, being who I am. But on the other hand, I quite like it. I like the glockenspiel-sounding instrumentation in the background. There’s a strong chorus. Her vocals are great. This is a closer.

After the explosive mid-album romps of throwing care to the wind, telling the haters to go kill themselves, and dancing through all emotional distress, the album’s closing track ending with the line “I think I’m finally clean” actually feels like the most, and possibly only, honest moment. As hilarious as it is to type it out: Taylor Swift has clearly been through a lot. Sure, she didn’t grow up in extreme poverty, or have a family member implode in a submarine, or lose her face in a car crash, but all trauma, and all stress, is relative. So, while I would be lying if I said that I cared about Taylor Swift, I am happy that she seemed to come out of writing this album at a point where she felt better about herself.

I don’t really know what more there is to say. Taylor Swift is precisely what we all know her to be. She’s Harry Potter, she’s Starbucks coffee, she’s Mr Brightside. For a certain type of person, her music is the best thing you can possibly listen to. And for everyone else? Well, I’ll see you on the dancefloor.


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